The Humiliation of Starting Over

Navigating a Big Transition (When It Feels Like a Cosmic Joke)

Navigating a big transition can bring up… stuff.

Not fun stuff.

Gooey, uncomfortable, “I-wish-I-could-skip-this-BS” stuff.

My business partner and I recently launched our first product. It went… okay. Not great. Not terrible. But the growth has been slow — painfully slow — and that has been hard for me.

I wish I could say I’ve been serene and patient with the process, but the truth is that my livelihood depends on people finding value in the thing we’ve built. And to make it even trickier, this isn’t just a business to me — it’s my Soul work.  So when momentum feels stagnant, it’s not just my business that feels rejected. It feels like I am rejected. Like the things I believe are most essential for healing and wellbeing… no one else cares about.

It’s a tender, vulnerable place to be. I do NOT like it.  

When Divine Guidance Changes Course

Here’s another piece about me: I’m a pray-er. I believe in God, in a Higher Power, in something bigger that has been guiding me and cheering me on.

But lately? I feel let down. Toyed with.

Throughout this journey, my prayers kept pointing me to stay focused on building the clinic.  This is your work. This is the right time. This is your purpose. Keep going.

And then, in early September, something shifted. I had a clear, unmistakable nudge: get a part-time job.

My problem is that guidance didn’t feel like a loving provision. It felt like a betrayal. Abandonment.

The Humiliation I Didn’t Expect

I have been self-employed for nine years. I swore I would never work for someone else again. Literally telling anyone who would listen that I would rather DIE than work for someone else (yes, I do lean towards the dramatics sometimes). Being self-employed wasn’t just a job choice — it became a symbol of the healing I’d done after years of codependence, fear, and feelings of powerlessness.

So when I realized I was being guided back into employment, I felt:

• Humiliated: I thought I had “grown past” this stage.
• Punished: Haven’t I been obedient? Haven’t I poured everything into this clinic?  
• Abandoned: I’ve tried to do everything right. Why does this feel like a step backward? I trusted, committed, and sacrificed, and this is what I get in return for my Faith?

This job feels like proof that I haven’t grown enough — that I’m not worthy of being cared for, provided for, the way I imagined it. That there is something inherently wrong with me that my passion, experiences, and dreams are not worthy of others, and no one cares.

Pride, Worth, and the Weight They Carry

After sitting with these feelings, I realized something: I’ve worked so hard to cultivate a healthy sense of pride — to heal from trauma and claim autonomy and empowerment as my core values — that now, I might be gripping those values too tightly.  Is that even possible?!  Even as I type that, I cringe and am repulsed because DAMN IT!  I worked so hard to get here!  

Maybe my pride has become a weight.  My worth has become entwined with my independence.  And the very values that once healed me now leave me feeling trapped when life isn’t moving in the direction I want to go. 

I want, to want, to gently loosen that grip.  But mostly, I just want to not feel like shit about myself.  More inner peace.  To remember that I am just as worthy, strong, and loved even when I’m working for someone else — even in this in-between season when the path takes an unplanned detour.  

I don’t fully believe that yet.  Okay, FINE! I don't believe that at all right now!

But I suspect this is the exact place where the deeper growth is happening.

The Invitation

Maybe this part-time job isn’t a punishment.  It’s probably pragmatic grace — a way to keep me afloat financially and physically while my Soul work grows roots deep enough to thrive.

Maybe this is a season to learn humility that doesn’t strip away dignity — humility that deepens confidence, so my sense of worth doesn’t depend on “winning” as an entrepreneur.

Maybe this is a chapter, not a verdict.

✨ Gentle Exercise: Holding the Paradox

If you’re navigating your own tender transition, here’s a simple exercise to help you hold both the pain and the possibility:

1. Name the Feelings.  Out loud or on paper, say:
2. “I feel _________, _________, and _________ about this situation.”
3. Keep going until you feel a little lighter than when you started.
4. Honor the Meaning.  Ask yourself:
5. “What value or dream feels threatened right now?”
6. This might reveal what your anger or grief is trying to protect.
7. Open a Little Space.  When you’re ready, whisper:
8. “I don’t have to like this. But I am willing to believe this is not the end of my story.”
9. “I am willing to believe I am still worthy — even here.”

You don’t have to rush to gratitude (I’m certainly not).  Just make room for the possibility that this detour might one day make sense, even if right now it feels like a steaming pile of BullSh*T!

XXX, Dani