When Fighting for Justice in High-Conflict Co-Parenting Leads to Burnout — And How to Reclaim Your Energy

I was dying.

A little bit at a time every day until it felt like I’d lost myself and something I didn’t recognize was wearing my skin, my face, my voice.  Inside, I felt a darkness taking over.  Like a parasite slowly devouring my joy, my light, my hope, my Soul.  And it was all because I had a death grip on something that our culture celebrates… Justice.  But I’m going to tell about its shadow side and how it nearly killed me.

Not metaphorically (but sort of).  What happens when your nervous system is so overloaded by trying to be heard that you can’t sleep.  Can’t eat.  Can’t breathe.  Can’t even enjoy the sweet things right in front of you.  And you’re getting sick.  ALL.  THE.  TIME.  Well, it’s nothing good.  That’s the path to chronic disease (like pre-diabetes, high cholesterol, and autoimmune diseases).

I know because I’ve been there.  But how did I get there?

In the depths of high-conflict co-parenting, life starts to feel like a court exhibit.

Every message, every drop-off—documented.

Because if you don’t have proof, it didn’t happen.

And even when you do?  No one reads it. But you’re too afraid to stop. Not until the youngest is 18. So while you are trying to “stay present and enjoy the ages and stages,” you can’t help but have a countdown playing in the back of your mind, year after year.  

You’re navigating manipulation masked as concern.

False narratives crafted with precision.

Tactics that turn your empathy into a liability.

And financial control wielded like a leash.

Meanwhile, systems designed to protect stay “neutral.”

But neutrality in abuse is complicity.

You try to protect your kids.  You try to set boundaries.

But when the system that’s supposed to protect you refuses to step in?

It doesn’t just break your heart.  It breaks something deeper.  Something primal.  The part of you that needs to believe that fairness is real.  That Justice matters.  That truth will win.

And when it doesn’t?  You feel powerless.  Isolated.  Betrayed.  Buried alive under the rubble of hope.

When Justice Becomes a Weapon

For years, I didn’t realize this relentless drive to right wrongs came from one of my core values: Justice.

And because I wasn’t aware of that—wasn’t conscious of how much it was driving me—it took control.

Justice became the hill I was willing to die on.

Until one day, in a moment of desperate prayer, I heard something that changed me forever.  A voice in my mind and heart:

“There is no such thing as Justice.  It is a human construct.”

I’ll be honest—I wanted to scream.

But then I saw something in my mind’s eye: comets blasting through space.  Ripping holes in the sky.  Each one was a person who had harmed me.

They were destroying everything in their path.

And yet—their tail wasn’t black smoke or ash.

It was color.  Brilliant.  Rainbow.  Sparkling stardust that seeded galaxies of new life behind them.  Healing with life all the wounds and desolation left in the wake of the world-enders.

The voice continued:

“From great destruction, pain, and death comes transformation.  Hope.  Evolution.  Beauty.  You cannot have life without suffering.”

I wept.  I wailed…  I quieted…

Because I finally understood: this fight was never going to end the way I wanted.

And so I surrendered.

Even typing the word, my throat tightens and my eyes burn with fresh tears.

Not out of defeat—but out of grief.  Grief for the dream of a family that would never look the way I hoped.  Grief for the time I couldn’t get back.  Grief for the rage I had tried to turn into protection.  But also, relief.  That I did my best.  I learned.  I adapted.  I survived.

When Core Values Clash

Core values are powerful.

They’re often subconscious, formed early, and deeply tied to our nervous system wiring.  In psychology, they influence everything from decision-making to emotion regulation to health behaviors.

But what no one tells you?

Core values can clash.

You might be living in service of one (like Justice), but doing so at the expense of another (like Peace, Connection, or Vitality).

That inner conflict—trying to uphold both values at once—is exhausting.

In The Happiness Trap, ACT therapy founder Russ Harris explains that unresolved value conflicts often lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout.  Neuroscience echoes this: when values conflict, the prefrontal cortex in the brain struggles to regulate emotion, and the body can stay stuck in sympathetic (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) overdrive.

In plain English, living out of alignment disrupts your brain-body connection.  It’s like a car with the gas and brakes slammed down at the same time.

And over time?  That state contributes to chronic inflammation, immune dysfunction, and even metabolic dysregulation.

The Core Value Clarity Practice: A Healing Recalibration

This is the practice I now return to when I feel that old fight rising in my chest:

1.  Name Your Driving Value

Ask: What am I fighting for here?  Not just the situation, but the value underneath it?

For me, it was Justice.

2.  List Its Gifts and Shadows

All values have a light and a dark side.  ALL OF THEM.

They reveal something incredible about who you are.

Knowing that Justice is one of my core values reflects how deeply I care about people being treated with fairness, kindness, and respect.  Justice gave me courage.  Structure.  Resilience.

But its shadow?  Rigidity.  Control.  Exhaustion.

And if I’m being honest, those shadows say something about me too—parts I’ve had to work hard to acknowledge.

I can be rigid.  I can be self-righteous. I can struggle with black and white thinking.  

For someone who holds tightly to the value of Peace, for example, their shadow might look more like avoidance.  

Owning my shadows has been one of the hardest—and most liberating—parts of my healing.

3.  Ask What It’s Costing You

Is this value still serving you?  Your healing?

Or is it costing your sleep, your breath, your relationships?  Your ability to be present?

4.  Identify the Values You’re Sacrificing

What’s been pushed aside?

For me, it was Peace.

I thought I had to choose between them.  I don’t.  I just had to rebalance them.

5.  Use Visualization to Adjust the Volume

Picture a volume dial and imagine that each core value has one and plays its own playlist: Justice, Peace, Integrity, Love, Health.

You don’t have to mute any of them, but try to notice if any are competing to be the loudest.  Are any in conflict?

Just adjust the dial and turn it down a notch when it’s blaring.  Notice one that’s hard to hear?  Turn it up.

Practice choosing what you want to hear more of.

Observing lets your nervous system feel that shift.

6.  Choose a New Tiny Action

This is not a complete identity shift—just one small change that lets you put the visualization of the new volume balance into real-life practice.

Maybe it’s pausing before sending a reactive email when you’re emotionally overwhelmed.

Maybe it’s stepping outside to breathe instead of reading that 37-page custody update.

Tiny.  But practice and repeat…  potent.  Meaningful.  Measurable.

Final Thought

There’s a reason we included Core Values in The Energy Generator program.

Because burnout isn’t just about food, rest, or exercise. It’s so much more!

It’s about integrity and alignment.

When you live out of balance with your values, your cells feel it.

And no supplement in the world can fix that.

But when you recalibrate?

The energy that you are losing through an imbalance in values starts to nourish your healing.

So ask yourself today:

What core value has been running the show?

And what part of you is ready to be heard a little bit louder?

XO,

Dani